Life of A Freaking Fantastic Fangirl

It was just the two of them talking in the counter, like old times. The banter was light and playful and there was a good vibe in the air. She remembered smiling and thinking "Wow, this is great" because the two of them never got to spend time together in real life. Then it was time to leave and somehow they hugged and the other said "I still love you." "I love you more," she replied instantly. That was true. She would always love the other more and the other knew it. Then they parted and it all felt like a dream. Oh well it was. Even if it was just a dream, I think I needed to hear those few words. It felt real. How I wish it was real. You know what's the worst thing, you could've almost been mine. Or you were at one point in time.

I’m not quite over you, you know. Oh sure, I’m over chasing you. I’m over trying to convince you to give me a chance, and I’m over the idea that we’re ever going to be together. That much is for sure. But I still think of you every day, still see you in everything I do. I can’t help but compare every little part of you to the parts of people around me, and wonder how long it will take me to find someone who fits me as well as you do, who I love as much as I loved you. And if tomorrow you came running back to me with an apology on your lips and your heart in your hands, I would take it without a second thought, without a moments hesitation. No, I’m not over you.  At this point, I’m not sure if I ever will be.  I'd still do anything for you.

When it didn't even start. How much it pains me to almost get something that I've wanted so badly but never being truly mine. The heart really does want what it wants.

It's February. Omg, one month has already passed in 2015 and I'm still not gorgeous yet. So I took a half step closer to my 2015 goal of getting my license but signing up at SSDC. Now I have to pass my BTT before I can start taking practical lessons. BTT's in April so... Let's see how much I procrastinate till then. So I kinda have another group of friends now and I go home with them instead of Izzyan and Boy. Idk, I feel bad but I have wondered before why the heck I wait for them when they don't even walk all the way out. Ah well, sometimes I have to think about me, no? And apparently I'm not as invisible as I think I am because someone noticed me. Weird feeling but he has a girlfriend so no. I wouldn't like it if my boyfriend was texting someone else. Oh and yesterday, I talked to someone whom I know but have never ever spoken to before. It took almost 2 years lol. She started talking first so that was good because I'm too much of a chicken to ...

I’m awful about your name. I still jump when I hear it. I still feel it rattling somewhere in my stomach. I think I’m jealous of anyone that gets to say it because it’s not my right anymore. Years from now I’ll be standing in a supermarket and someone will casually brush past me, your name falling from their mouth like confetti. I’ll drop everything that I’m holding. My knees will wobble in the way they only did when I was with you. Years from now I’ll still remember how your name tasted in my mouth and I’ll have to start missing you all over again. - Azra T. Why isn't your name something common. Why does it have to be so unique. It's annoying.

The Greek word for "return" is nostos. Algos means "suffering." So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return. ― Milan Kundera, Ignorance

I'm not bitter about how things ended. I'm bitter that I was the only one fighting to save things when it should have ended way earlier. I'm so stupid for still clinging on. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I think I'm fine but the memories... I wish I could delete the memories. It all comes rushing back and I feel this hollow feeling in my chest and it gets a little bit hard to breathe. I'm gonna be fine. I have to be. The thing I call bullshit on is you said change is the only constant but how come you're the only one who doesn't change?