Life of A Freaking Fantastic Fangirl

Wow. It's been 3 years since I last updated. I guess I just got lazy. As always. Being an adult is so tiring. Who knew? All day, every day I'm tired. 2019 is ending soon. Time really flies. Hmm. I can't seem to put my thoughts into words. Maybe another time. See you in the next 3 years maybe?

Seoul 2016. It was freaking hot like holy shit did I just experience hell on Earth. Lesson learnt, don't go on holiday when it's summer. You'll get darker and crankier. Next up. Osaka! Can't wait.

Bawang Rangers  Jalan Raya with them. Super fun and kecoh especially our singing in the car. Hahaha.  Till next year!

 Sampul duit for this year. Potterhead for life! Team public transport. Funniest thing was that mak requested for this picture to be taken. So random lol. My mentel pose with my baju raya. I absolutely adore it. So simple yet so pretty. Like me. HAHA 3 years at ICA, 3 years of raya-ing on the first day. Wonder if the luck will continue next year. Hahaha 

How do you stop caring when every fiber of your being screams otherwise. What's wrong with me. I wanted to write a long post but... I'm tired. Tired of always making decisions. Tired of always texting first. Tired of always asking and always getting rejected anyway. Just tired. What's the point of being friends when I only get to talk to you maybe an hour a day and every time is not a good time to text. I've known you for 2 years and I get to spend lesser time with you than someone who has known you for maybe 2 months. It sucks. It really does. But I doubt you understand how I feel; the crushing disappointment and the bitterness. Gonna get a new heart.

Somehow I'm popular with guys these past few months. Hahaha not trying to brag or anything but it gets kinda annoying and is actually quite a burden when I don't actually like them back. Well, I know I should probably try to get to know them before passing judgement but I really can't seem to get myself there yet. Something is defo wrong with me. I realised I need a guy who has a sense of humour and will get my jokes and laugh at them or at least roll their eyes. Will I be single forever... We shall see. But I know my heart is stuck. Haiz.

Ok so it was just two shifts but seriously, the odds of me doing with them is so rare, you'd have a higher chance winning a million dollars. With Izzy Wizzy 2nd night shift at bikes 2 with Izzytan and it was a Sunday morning which meant traffic wasn't crazy so we could take our time to reset lanes and talk cock. Hahaha !!!! Finally did bikes (or anywhere for that matter) with Tasniyyah. It didn't even register when Izzyan said I was doing with her. Lol  To more good shifts! The suite life of Bawangz MBS staycay with them. Got a suite and the moment we opened the door, we were like so jakun, running and exclaiming how big it was. Hahahaha. It was fun and we defo need more staycays like this.  Here's hoping the rest of 2016 is just as good.

2015 flew by in a flash didn't it. It felt like I had only did a 2014 rewind hahaha Hmmmm. What to say about 2015... It wasn't much but I did try new things. I think I matured (just a tiny bit) and found people that I can see myself being friends with for a long time. Went to Seoul and Tokyo; made wonderful memories. Still stuck in the same situation I was in 2014... Hahahahahaiz. Think that situation is finally gonna be gone this year. I kinda hope it'll happen sooner but I can't help but dread for the day to come. Dunno what I'm rambling about anymore. K bye.

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” ― Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma

So I was told something today that crushed me a little and made me feel hollow inside. I can't even describe it. I'm not really sad, not angry... More helpless. I know we won't work; we can't work, but just for now, I'd like to think of you as mine and only mine. No one else's. But eventually, you'll fall for someone. You don't have a lack of suitors. But even though I tell you to go for it, deep down, I want you to say no to everyone you meet. I wonder if I'll spend the rest of my life like this; loving someone that can never be mine. Sometimes I wish that you'd go away so I can recover myself and forget you. It's hard to when we see each other almost every day. Will I be like Snape? Loving Lily his entire life even when she was with someone else. How did he get through the pain especially when she died. Does love die when the person die? I'm starting to hate how I am. Why can't I just be... normal. Someone help me.

I'm so frustrated with myself. Like why can't I get over something or not be bothered by it. I know I shouldn't be bothered by it and it frustrates the heck out of me when I am. Like geez. Is there an off switch for feelings? I just wanna be a robot like Sheldon Cooper. A part of me wishes you'd go so I don't have to go through the pain of seeing you every day and not being able to talk to you or spend time with you. I knew I'd be like this when I told myself I wouldn't. Dammit. I don't know. I'm really tired of feeling shitty, I just want to be... I'm not too sure. Normal. I watched a movie yesterday and it gave me all the feels because that could be me, 20 years down the road, always holding a flame for someone who can never be mine. I'll probably die a sad old woman surrounded by... I don't even like cats that much.'

We keep behind closed doors Every time I see you, I die a little more Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls It'll never be enough As you drive me to my house I can't stop these silent tears from rolling down You and I both have to hide on the outside Where I can't be yours and you can't be mine But I know this, we got a love that is homeless Why can't I hold you in the street? Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor? I wish that it could be like that Why can't it be like that? Cause I'm yours Why can't I say that I'm in love? I wanna shout it from the rooftops I wish that it could be like that Why can't it be like that? Cause I'm yours It's obvious you're meant for me Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep But I'll never show it on my face But we know this, we got a love that is hopeless Why can't you ...

Just got back from Tokyo 2 days ago and it was awesome. Like seriously. When can I go back? So a summary of my week long trip. Day 1: Roppongi (Sumiyakiya) + Tokyo Tower Day 2: Odaiba + Shibuya Day 3: Disneyland +Shibuya (Gyumon) Day 4: Akihabara + Asakusa (Naritaya + Nakamise Street) + Tokyo Sky Tree Day 5: Imperial Palace + Ameyayokocho + Ikkebukuro (Pokemon Centre + J-World + Sakura) Day 6: Shinjuku Park + Shibuya (Ippin) Day 7: Asakusa + Shibuya (Hanasakaji-san) Day 8: Akihabara + Tokyo Station + Flying off Fun trip because of the amazing people. Hahaha too much laughter and lame jokes and Syak and I trying to speak all the Japanese we knew. Tokyo is strange. Land of vending machines but no trash bins in sight. But the place is clean though and their hospitality is amazing. The weather was just nice, not too cold and I think I adjusted to it fairly well cause I could walk around with just a long sleeve...

Been u/s eiacs and bikes for the past few shifts. Total surprise when Jae messaged me and said that I was u/s cause they totally didn't give us any warning. It's ok. You gotta be more alert and really look cause sometimes you're sleepy as fck. I'm so grateful to Kak Jajah cause she really taught me a lot about bikes even when she wasn't my mentor cause we got put with whoever they put us with lol. If they hadn't pulled us during the night shifts, we probably would be on our own now. Tasssss is bacckkkkk. Didn't see her before work but saw her otw to chops room to put my chop box. We kinda instantly smiled at each other even when I really didn't feel like it. HAhahaha. Then she had the cheek to text me to say that she didn't ignore me. October means 1 more month to Tokyo! Woooooooo. Watch me pack and plan a week before. #teamlastmin

Finally saw my name on the train roster after donkey years. HAHAHA. They were putting it up one by one and I scanned through the usual car rosters and didn't see my name then they handed me the last paper and bam, my name was there. Had to do stats with Illy. A lot of cancellations cause I mangkuk forever but it was fun. Had to go DB last but it was for only 30 mins so that was ok. --- Elections are over and wisely won. Cue outrage and disbelief. I think the only reason people voted PAP was because the Opposition parties just didn't cut it. Seriously, I didn't agree with some of their policies and I don't want a bunch of clowns being in charge of my future for the next 5 years so I guess we all voted for the tried and tested. I couldn't swallow some of the comments being thrown online. I hope whoever decides to emigrate does so so they can feel what it's like to be a foreigner in a foreign country. Tkde logic bro. --- Team bonding tomorrow. Carouse...

I was supposed to blog about my birthday but I didn't. Oops. Well this year, I was sick on my birthday and I didn't get my ice cream cake so booooo. Oh yes, yesterday, went out for my 3rd driving lesson. The instructor was nice and we joked around a lot. Finally went out on the road where I could drive above 20km/h hahaha. I went up the curb the first time I did the sharp turn and almost hit the wall twice so there was a lot of emergency brake involved. When we finally went out on the road, I had to check my blind spot a lot of times which was the point of it and almost hit a car in front cause I was too focused on my blind spot HAHAHA. But it was fun although your feet and legs get a bit tired. After that, impromptu plan of going to Tamp to meet Tas. I was so nervous that it would be awkward cause we hadn't seen each other in what, 5 to 6 months but it wasn't. Hahahaha. Ate at Pastamania where she belanja-ed me cause I took a cab there. It was nice. Night shift...

The best month ever is here. Hehehehe Jalan Raya with SB last Saturday. Rented two cars so the whole process was painless but of course, we overshot at each house so we had to skip some houses. Kakak Sahi had to go off early for a date so the rest of us squeezed into one car to go to SAFRA Tamp for bowling. We did get some stares cause we were in our raya outfits but who gives a shit right. Hahaha. Reached home around 2 plus after sending everyone home. Definitely a good time with them. I realise guys don't really grow up, eh? Hahaha. They still crack lame, immature jokes and it's such a major throwback to poly days.  --- Something started again and I don't wanna get too attached again. But I didn't realise that it's been weeks of daily texts and I don't wanna go down that black hole of being whiny and needy. I think I've matured a bit cause I don't feel the need to text as often but there's this familiar feeling that's com...

Pink again this year. For me at least. Last minute Raya shopping as usual. I usually love Ramadan but I was kinda glad that it was over because I was sick 3 times throughout the month. And it was like legit super sick, high fever, I felt like dying. So my MC rate is 6 now and it's only half a year. Tsk tsk. Work has been boring and tiring. What's new. I did get pulled to do train after 7 months which was a nice surprise. Then I did OWC for an hour yesterday. Kinda miss team. 1 more month of SM... I can do this. Ok bye.

Some memories play out so vividly in your head, like it was just a few minutes ago that that thing occurred, But it's strange to think that those memories happened a year ago. It's funny how things can change in a year, how someone you never thought you'd be friends with end up being your friend and more.  I get those random flashbacks and the memories are so real, so vivid and I can recall almost every detail. It's all really just random memories; the first time I ever heard 'Give Me Love' and found it weird then I loved it but now I can't listen to it without going through a montage of memories, the first few weeks of our convos, those night shifts when it was just the two of us.  They just pop up when I least expect them and I can't seem to switch them off. I wish I could forget it all, erase all the memories then I wouldn't hurt so much. I can't seem to get you off my mind because every time I try to move, a tiny part of me bumps into ...