Life of A Freaking Fantastic Fangirl

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” ― Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma

So I was told something today that crushed me a little and made me feel hollow inside. I can't even describe it. I'm not really sad, not angry... More helpless. I know we won't work; we can't work, but just for now, I'd like to think of you as mine and only mine. No one else's. But eventually, you'll fall for someone. You don't have a lack of suitors. But even though I tell you to go for it, deep down, I want you to say no to everyone you meet. I wonder if I'll spend the rest of my life like this; loving someone that can never be mine. Sometimes I wish that you'd go away so I can recover myself and forget you. It's hard to when we see each other almost every day. Will I be like Snape? Loving Lily his entire life even when she was with someone else. How did he get through the pain especially when she died. Does love die when the person die? I'm starting to hate how I am. Why can't I just be... normal. Someone help me.

I'm so frustrated with myself. Like why can't I get over something or not be bothered by it. I know I shouldn't be bothered by it and it frustrates the heck out of me when I am. Like geez. Is there an off switch for feelings? I just wanna be a robot like Sheldon Cooper. A part of me wishes you'd go so I don't have to go through the pain of seeing you every day and not being able to talk to you or spend time with you. I knew I'd be like this when I told myself I wouldn't. Dammit. I don't know. I'm really tired of feeling shitty, I just want to be... I'm not too sure. Normal. I watched a movie yesterday and it gave me all the feels because that could be me, 20 years down the road, always holding a flame for someone who can never be mine. I'll probably die a sad old woman surrounded by... I don't even like cats that much.'

We keep behind closed doors Every time I see you, I die a little more Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls It'll never be enough As you drive me to my house I can't stop these silent tears from rolling down You and I both have to hide on the outside Where I can't be yours and you can't be mine But I know this, we got a love that is homeless Why can't I hold you in the street? Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor? I wish that it could be like that Why can't it be like that? Cause I'm yours Why can't I say that I'm in love? I wanna shout it from the rooftops I wish that it could be like that Why can't it be like that? Cause I'm yours It's obvious you're meant for me Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep But I'll never show it on my face But we know this, we got a love that is hopeless Why can't you ...

Just got back from Tokyo 2 days ago and it was awesome. Like seriously. When can I go back? So a summary of my week long trip. Day 1: Roppongi (Sumiyakiya) + Tokyo Tower Day 2: Odaiba + Shibuya Day 3: Disneyland +Shibuya (Gyumon) Day 4: Akihabara + Asakusa (Naritaya + Nakamise Street) + Tokyo Sky Tree Day 5: Imperial Palace + Ameyayokocho + Ikkebukuro (Pokemon Centre + J-World + Sakura) Day 6: Shinjuku Park + Shibuya (Ippin) Day 7: Asakusa + Shibuya (Hanasakaji-san) Day 8: Akihabara + Tokyo Station + Flying off Fun trip because of the amazing people. Hahaha too much laughter and lame jokes and Syak and I trying to speak all the Japanese we knew. Tokyo is strange. Land of vending machines but no trash bins in sight. But the place is clean though and their hospitality is amazing. The weather was just nice, not too cold and I think I adjusted to it fairly well cause I could walk around with just a long sleeve...

Been u/s eiacs and bikes for the past few shifts. Total surprise when Jae messaged me and said that I was u/s cause they totally didn't give us any warning. It's ok. You gotta be more alert and really look cause sometimes you're sleepy as fck. I'm so grateful to Kak Jajah cause she really taught me a lot about bikes even when she wasn't my mentor cause we got put with whoever they put us with lol. If they hadn't pulled us during the night shifts, we probably would be on our own now. Tasssss is bacckkkkk. Didn't see her before work but saw her otw to chops room to put my chop box. We kinda instantly smiled at each other even when I really didn't feel like it. HAhahaha. Then she had the cheek to text me to say that she didn't ignore me. October means 1 more month to Tokyo! Woooooooo. Watch me pack and plan a week before. #teamlastmin