How Ain became awkward: A recap and analysis

I've been wondering (not really) how I became who I am today; awkward, shy and sombong. Well, after thinking about it, I think I've pinpointed the reason/s I've become the awkward turtle I am today.

Do you see that girl in the first row, 3rd from the right? She was a big bully and somehow made me her target. I wasn't very talkative and didn't mix around much with the other kids (maybe because I rarely went to school haha I was so badass yo) and when I did, that girl would hinder me somehow. One of the moments I remember most was during play time one day and we were separated into 3 groups; painting, playing with blocks and playing with toys in water. I was grouped with her and she would like stop me from playing with them or if I was playing alone, she'd disturb me. When we were playing with the water, she'd take away all my toys so I didn't have anything and I just stood there looking at them.

Bitch.

So now that I think about it, I was already like ostracized and scared of people. Then when I went to P1 in PTPS, I found it quite hard to make friends. I mean I had some but they weren't what you'd call real friends. I was always kinda alone in school; I'd be in the library before school (I even got a prize for reading like 100 books, kental I know), I ate recess alone. Holy shit, I was a loser. Haha.

I joined Malay Dance when I was in primary 3 which was when I started mingling around and had some friends. Malay Dance was quite fun, even though I'm terrified of the stage. Well, I took off my glasses and I could barely see the audience and I was quite tall so the teacher always put me at the back.

Oh yeah, I had a real friend when I was in Primary 4 and I think her name is Seri. She was my first true friend and she even made me a friendship band. Idk why she took a liking to this poor loser kid but we were friends and I thank her for that. She was genuinely sad that I was changing schools. She even sent me a letter but I didn't know how to send one back because she didn't put her address. Sigh.

Well, then it was primary 5 and I was the new kid at Keming. I remember the first day I came and I sat down at my class and everyone turned to look at me. I was so scared I thought I could die. Anyways, I somehow managed to make friends in Keming. Keming was so much better than Pei Tong. I even managed to mix around with the cool kids and I don't even know how that happened. Haha. The cool kids were the netball girls and I remember hanging out with them and even doing the stupid handshake.

Guys, I was finally cool!

I think Keming made me open up more and I wasn't so shy and loner-ish. So many stories I could share but that'll be for another post. Reasons to update this blog more often I guess. Secondary school was pretty much the period I became me, if that makes sense. It was when I had a stable group of friends who actually liked me and again, secondary school was some of the best years of my life. I would go back and do all the tests, study all the stupid subjects, see all the teachers and go through all the drama in a heartbeat. Just like that.

Poly changed me some more. For the better I think because in poly, you had so many presentations to do and TEP had me mix with people I didn't really know. I guess I became more outgoing, not sooooo much but more than I usually was. And it's the same for poly, I would go back and redo it all over again in a heartbeat. No questions asked.

But in some ways, the bullying at a young age is still a part of me. I'm awkward, like sometimes I don't do well at all in social situations. I can't talk to people idk unless they start talking to me first, I look down when I walk because I can't see people looking at me, I try to avoid groups when I have to walk past, I dislike seeing people I know outside and the list goes on.

I keep thinking, if I wasn't bullied, would I have been different? More outgoing? But I also wouldn't like to change me too much, I like who I am now. But I do wish I was more outgoing and likeable, like Izzy or SY. They can talk to anyone and everyone, unlike me, the sad awkward turtle. Lol.

More posts hopefully.

Gotta go to work. Bye.

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