Hari Raya!

Wore the same outfit this year. Heol. Haha. Kul wasn't there because she was working. Shitty management. Tsk.

Went to nenek's house. No one was there yet. Ate, drank, talked. Nenek's losing her memory and kept asking the same questions. It's kinda funny but sad at the same time. Idk, ever since I watched that documentary on dementia , it's kinda heartbreaking to see someone slowly lose their memory. What made me quite sad was when she kept wanting to come and visit us. She was quite insistent and wanted to come on Saturday but mom is working. She wanted someone to bring her there in the morning and take her home later. Dad kept making jokes but she really sounded like she wanted to come and visit. She wanted to know what bus to take there and all.

Idk, it made me all choked up because tbh we aren't very close to her and this is the first time she's said she wants to visit us. I really hope she does.

Strangely, no one had come even when we left. Went to IMM to buy a fridge then went home cause the uncles, aunts and cousins were visiting.

Day like this makes me miss my late grandmother so much. The 2nd Raya without her and it still feels so weird. Y'know, I was never really affected by the deaths of my grandfathers but hers really got me. I think it might be because I'm older and I understand better. But her death really made me understand grief and loss and sadness. Sometimes I think about her and I still get sad inside. I guess I'm still not over her death and it'll take probably a few years. Sometimes I think about all the things I could have done or given her and sometimes I wish she was still here. I'll always wish that she was still here. I miss her.

I never told anyone but I once had a dream about her but this dream was different in the sense that I was her. I remember talking to her in the dream and asking what it felt like when she passed on and I was in her and I could literally feel her confusion and fear about leaving. It was all too damn real.

So I just wanna say I should cherish my loved ones because once they're gone, they can't come back. I hope my late grandmother is resting in peace and I hope I'll get to see her again one day.

To end this quite depressing post, Selamat Hari Raya.