Nenek

My nenek passed away on the 26th of March at 1050pm.

It came as a shock to my system when my mom called to come to the hospital as there was a 90% chance she wouldn't make it. After being stabilized in ICU, the doctor said that there was a very high chance that she wouldn't make it. After hearing that, everyone started to cry.

Seeing her lying on the hospital bed, trying so hard to breathe, but still breathing. It was hard. Just watching as the life ebbed away from her, how hard she was trying to stay alive. The one thing that comforted me was that her whole family was there. All of my uncles and aunts. And us.

I feel she held on because we were there. She wasn't conscious but still there. The doctor gave her a couple of days, so my sister and uncle was staying the night while the rest of us went home. Only a few hours at home and we got the call.

She had passed.

Rushing to the hospital even if we knew going any faster would never bring her back. Seeing her lying so peacefully on the bed. At that moment, I almost wanted, needed to see her breathe. To see her chest rising up and down. It meant that her heart was beating. That she was still with us.

I cried so much at the funeral the next day. I think the culmination of grief and guilt just overwhelmed me. Looking at her, wrapped up. Kissing her forehead, wanting so badly to tell her how much I loved her, how sorry I was, am, for not being there often.

Even writing this is hard. I'm choked up, it's hard to breathe and the tears threaten to spill out. The next few days were the hardest because I just couldn't stop thinking of her. How I wasn't there when I could've been. I felt this heavy feeling in my heart and my throat closed up. I kept thinking that I could just visit her. But I can't. Cause she's not here.

I love you nenek. Even if I never said it. I should have been there, visiting you often. I can't turn back time and it's something I'll regret for the rest of my life. But thank you for taking care of me, buying things for me when I acted like a spoiled brat, cooking, listening, just being there. I hope, you're resting in peace now, watching over us, as we navigate this maze called life.

I always had this thought.

How can life still go on even if one ended?